Casey and I had tried to write thank you notes and birth/death announcements for months. Then the holidays were fast approaching and the anticipation of Christmas with it's crowds and parties sent me straight into full out anxiety attacks.
So, we finally forced ourselves to sit down and create Lilly's announcements along with grief letter and Christmas card. Like most activities involving Lilly, it was painful but deliberate; beautiful and somehow healing.
Taking family pictures is too sad and empty without her. We had Casey's parents just take some photos at our house with one of her Christmas ornaments, a pair of little pink shoes, off to the side. It was very hard for me, but Isaac, always full of love and laughter, had us giggling by the end. He is truly my Joy!
Many many of our family and friends have thanked us for the letter. They said it was very helpful and they appreciated being invited in to share Lilly with us.
I want to share it with you all too...
Dearest Family and Friends,
With heavy hearts, we acknowledge the birth and death
of our daughter, Lillian Hope Topping. Born on February 19th of this year,
Lilly measured 20 ¾ inches long and weighed a perfect 7lbs 14oz. She had
strawberry blond hair and was, and is, the most beautiful baby we’ve ever seen.
In her brief life, she touched countless people, spreading the message of Love,
Kindness and Hope in the Lord without ever making a sound. Our lives were
forever changed by our little girl and she will always be remembered and
missed.
During her life and after her death so many of you
reached out to us; sending us cards, food, money, gifts and, most importantly,
love and prayer. We cannot begin to tell you how much each of those things has
helped us through this most difficult season of our lives. Thank you, from the
depths of our hearts. We are humbled by your generous acts of love and kindness
toward our family.
Unless you have faced a similar loss, we understand how
difficult it is to know what to say or do. We know that in the months and years
to come it may be awkward and difficult interacting with us, especially around
special occasions and the upcoming Holidays. We would like to tell you that it
is fine to acknowledge our little Lillian and that we even cherish talking
about her. Rejoice in her short life. We love her so much and wish to remember
her. Talking about her and sharing our love and grief for her at all times and
with everyone else we love, will only help us to heal and grow. So please, do
not be afraid to mention our baby girl, for she is already a constant in our
minds. If we cry you did not upset us, but rather allowed us to express
externally how we already feel internally. We know you cannot see her
physically, but we carry her with us always.
Much time has passed and you may be surprised that we
still grieve every day. We are still learning how to accept that she is gone
and simple things remind us of the empty space where she should be. If we laugh
please do not assume we are “over it” and if we cry do not fear that we are
stuck in our sorrow. Grief is unpredictable. We know this is difficult for you
as well and we just ask that you forgive us if we seem absent and forgetful, if
we ramble and repeat ourselves, or if we break down and need our space.
We are forever changed. Our joyful times are so much
finer and our sorrowful moments immensely deeper. Knowing the Lord is near us
and always providing a rock to lean on has been monumental in our healing. That
being said, so have you, our friends and family, helped us during this time
with kind words, ears to listen, shoulders to cry on and many, many prayers.
We love you all very much and again appreciate
everything you have done and continue to do for us. Thank you for loving us and
loving our Lillian Hope.
With Warmest Regards,
Casey, Lorri & Isaac Topping
“Sometimes”, said Pooh, “the smallest things take up
the most room in your heart.”
I have been feeling numb. I haven't really even been crying very much lately.
I just feel...cold...sad....and angry.
I haven't been able to read very much yet I find myself praying more.
I should read, but I just don't want to put forth the effort, especially when I feel so worn down by the mere thought of the holidays.
I am sleeping more, at least when my son allows it, but I feel more tired than I have in a long time. I want nothing more than to just go back to bed, even if I only got up an hour ago. How blissful it would be to just sleep life away. Well, until the nightmares come anyway.
Winter is getting to me. I can feel the weight of the clouds pressing down on me in the bleak grayness of Ohio winters.
I just want to get away.
When I finally tore myself away from Lilly's lifeless body I told my mother I wanted nothing more than to crawl under a rock somewhere and die. Sometimes I still feel that way, though I would never leave my precious boy.
She just said "I know". The same I would say now if a grieving mother said that to me. My mom buried two sons. I'm so sorry mom, I didn't know this was how it felt.
I am so empty. I feel as if I am waiting for something....
What now Lord? Where do we go from here? What do you want us to do? Surely there is some purpose in the pain!? Lord give me purpose.
It's been weeks since I wrote this, but I remember opening my current Nancy Guthrie book that same night, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, and reading "I Have a Purpose in your Pain" as the next chapter title. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or throw the thing in the garbage.
I've been so focused on just getting through every day, I didn't get through it till recently.
I have tried to explain what this passage says countless times but never could get it quite right.
To experience and exude peace when life is crashing down around you, to have the lightness of joy when the weight of sorrow is heavy, to be grateful for what God had given you when you've lost what is most precious to you—that is God at work on the interior of your life, on display in your life. It is the light of God piercing the darkness of this world. Certainly all this is part of God's purpose for the suffering and sorrow in your life.
Sometimes God, in his goodness, draws back the curtain and shows us; we can see how he is using our loss in our lives or in the lives of those around us. And other times we have to wait. Certainly we can never expect to see the complete purposes of God in this life. That is where faith is required....
A friend at church recently approached Casey and I and, after having prayed for us, said he felt as if we were going through a desert but soon God's plans would bloom in our life, like the blossoming of a calla lily. He knew nothing of the wasteland my soul had been wondering and, not knowing us all that well, did not even know Lilly's name, only that we had lost a child earlier this year.
Every time I start to question, God shows up in unexplained and unexpected ways.
Life has been crushingly heavy. Living has been a struggle. Pain is everywhere. I asked Casey just yesterday, "So do you think we just never paid attention to all this suffering before or has this been an unusually tragic year?".
On top of the many funerals we have attended and uncounted couples we have met that lost children in 2012, I know five people with cancer, two of which are children (ages 2 and 12).
Then of course there was the shooting in Connecticut. The pain and screams that rolled through me would paralyze the weak hearted. Babies being murdered!! My God why?? When will you come Lord??
I do not know God's purposes. I do not understand how the all-powerful can allow such cruel injustice, but He has showed Himself to me too many times to give up on Hope.
I would gladly trade peace and grace for the life of my Lillian girl, but what choice do I have? I will find comfort in knowing that she is with the One who defines Love and look for the beauty in the pain.
We often feel like shattered dust and fragments, but He reveals to me how He can turn the pieces of life into a beautiful mosaic masterpiece.
If I will let Him.
So, I continue to look and listen and pray and read; even when it is hard, even when I don't want to and even when I don't see the point.
8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18)
As if you can put a tidy label on it and manage it.
What is it?
A crushing weight invisible to the eyes but worn by the heart and soul. Boiling, rumbling anger, even hatred, ready to explode at any moment unbeknownst to the carrier. Forever searching in a vast deserted wasteland.
Nothing.
Nothing to live for. Unable to feel. No Hope in sight.
Fear. Desperation. Confusion. Extreme highs and lows.
An uncaring detachment to self, others and the world. No motivation to go on, or even to move or speak.
Sometimes I wonder if it's getting better. Other times I think it would be better to just die and be done with it.
This is tough to hear, I know. It is my reality.
I have days of clarity, of almost joy and considerable strength and vision. I know God has helped me, and it might not make sense, but sometimes I still question God's existence.
Where is HE? Why would He allow life to be so hard? He said the way is easy and the burden is light. Oh really??? I beg to differ.
The pain is so deep, so crushing, so piercing....
I miss you so much! I would give anything, save your brother, to have you back again!!
I remember begging God to take me instead...as if He is a God who bargains.
My baby! How could you take my baby!? After all I have been through....after all I have prayed for!? Why do you save others and take Lilly?
Forgive me, I'm having a bad night....
So tired...So alone...God...I need you...please, forgive my unbelief....I....I just want her so badly...to feel her warm skin, tiny hands, little feet....see her sleeping sweetly on my chest and in her crib...to see her eyes....
I never got to see her eyes. I never heard her cry or saw her move.
why??????????????? A song by Mercy Me called The Hurt and the Healer came out right when Lilly died. We played it at her funeral. I stop cold every time I hear it.
One phrase always sticks out to me.
"I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died."
Exactly.
I know I will see her again. I know that God is real even if I cannot understand why He makes it so difficult to believe sometimes.
I have found Hope. I have found the strength to endure. I have learned acceptance and have a patience I never knew.
I take comfort in knowing that she is in a place where pain cannot touch her. I pray always that she is held by the Savior and kissed by angels. I like to imagine that my Uncle Mike sings her songs, my brother Lonnie and her cousins play with her and make her laugh with Grandma watching over them.
However, I cannot deny the paralyzing pain. It pulses through me with every heart beat. The most ridiculous things bring it out with full force.
Just last week I caught myself staring at a notepad I had written on the day I took maternity leave at work. I don't know how long I stayed like that. Hunched over the legal pad with the February date thinking things like; the last time I saw this you were still alive...
Casey and I often talk about how we can't remember what it was like to be happy. What it was like to look forward to the future and wonder at what it might hold, other than heaven of course.
We continue to breath. As the song says "sometimes I feel it's all that I can do". We trudge on. We continue to look to the Lord even when it hurts and do our best to trust Him.
We are Broken yet desperately and sometimes barely still holding on to HOPE!
We are not perfect. We are human and this sucks!!!
Jesus, come and break my fear Wake my heart and take my tears Help us Find your glory... even here I lay my Hurts at your feet Come and Heal our hearts...
I have been sitting on this post for weeks now. I have added and taken away but something always seems wrong or unsaid. How do I put into words the stirring in my heart? How do I explain the profound joy I find in worshiping the Savior when at the same time I question Him for not healing my child?
I continue to wrestle with guilt, depression and anger because she is gone. The pain does not lessen, we simply learn to make it a part of our lives. When you lose a child, sorrow and pain do not diminish, rather, our strength and endurance grow to sustain it.
Every day of my life I have to choose to believe. I choose to call Him my Savior, to read His messages, and to allow Him to carry me through my suffering while holding on to Hope.
Since Lilly died, I see the world in a whole new way and my praise has changed.
Every time I say amen. Every time I pray for someone's healing. Every time I lift my hands to praise the One who could have healed her but chose to say "No", it is a sacrifice. It is a physical, spiritual and emotional sacrifice that I pray most of you will never understand, but I will always choose to give. I will always choose to praise and worship HIM. It is the one thing that has no bounds. No matter how mad I am at God, no matter how low I am brought and no matter what injustice the world throws at me, nothing can take His praise from my heart.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from thelove of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
A couple weeks ago I was out jogging, feeling so good that I finally had the desire to try again, when I stopped short because I was so overcome by guilt as I realized I hadn't really cried the day before. So, of course, I immediately broke down, sobbing in the street, apologizing to Lilly because I felt like I was neglecting her.
Crazy right?
Every day from the night Lilly was born I had cried and I still cry and mourn daily for what could have been. I deal with the whispers that it is my fault; if I were closer to God, if I had prayed harder or listened better she would be with us. Perhaps, but God controls our destiny and I will trust Him.
Job said, "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance, for no godless person would dare come before him!" (13:15-16)
I have often wondered at how Job felt about his recompense. Yes he had many more children and ended up twice as wealthy as before, but what about the ones that died? You cannot replace a child in the heart of a parent. He still had to live his days mourning the ones he lost. God gave him new joy in life but Job knew Sorrow and he is a friend that is never forgotten.
I am not Job. I have not lived a blameless life. I still have most of my family, a home and money to live on, but I think I know a little of what it was like for him to bring his sacrifice of praise before the One who allowed Sorrow in his life in the first place.
The Lord really does give and take away.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart.The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21)
In the dance of this new life, Joy and Sorrow must not only learn to live together, but to become one in the same.
At church one Sunday, as we stood to sing to the Lord, a young mother with a beautiful little baby caught my eye. I felt a familiar ache in my chest as I watched her bounce him around, blissfully happy as only a new mother and child can be. They worshiped together in their own sacred world, perfectly content with one another.
The hot tears burned down my cheeks. It felt like the room was losing air.
That's what I wanted God! I wanted to praise you with joy in my heart and thanksgiving on my lips, not sorrow and acceptance! Halal not Towdah.
Psalm 43
2 You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? 3 Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. 4 Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.
Believing in Christ and choosing to continue to bless His name does not mean I am over it or grieve my baby girl any less, however, there is a fire that burns in my soul and fills my heart with Hope.
Through praise I have found joy, courage and a determination that I will see her again! Some might think it strange or even sad, but I no longer fear death and even long for it. I am held here by the ones who need me in this life, but I don't know that I will be less than happy when death comes for me.
Romans 8:1-17
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set youfree from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. 9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness.11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
I will praise Him because He is God, my Father. I am His and He is mine!
In my family no matter how much we disagree, no matter how bad the fight, at the end of the day we still love each other because we are family. There is nothing (and believe me I've seen it all) that will pull us apart because we belong to each other.
Does God see us like that? I think so. He sees me as a daughter. Never having experienced a loving relationship with my earthly father, I have had a very hard time understanding His fatherly love for me, but I feel it. He is here working through the Holy Spirit in my heart. Christ died that I might know Him! He wants to be close to me. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I encourage anyone who is reading this. Run to Him! No matter what you have done, what you've been through, or how mad you are at God, run to Him! He will meet you where you are. He loves you.
Psalm 55: 16-17, 22
As for me, I call to God,and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you
(Thank God for Kari Jobe! This song has become my anthem)
Casey and I attended Nancy and David Guthrie's retreat a little over a week ago. I have not had the chance to write about it, but Ruth, a wonderful mom we met at the retreat, blogged the experience here pretty well.
The constant feeling of dread as if we forgot something really important.
Sometimes I call it the empty space. The place she should be.
Sitting next to her big brother for family photos. On my chest in her wrap as we strolled through the amusement park. Winning smiles and hand claps from perfect strangers and doting grandparents.
I see her everywhere. It is amazing how the absence of someone so small can be so encompassing.
It doesn't hurt so much anymore to see babies and observe little girls with their mothers. I can even look on them and smile for a distant memory, a ghost of my lost hopes. Occasionally, however, a pair of chubby cheeks and a pink headband can cut deep into my wound and I am left a bleeding crumpled mess.
I know that people sense something amiss behind my faltering smile. It makes them uncomfortable. Sometimes I crush their sense of security and tell the truth, but usually that's not what they want to hear and I'm left feeling penitent and injured. So, I put on my game face and talk my way around it.
For instance...
Lady - "He's so cute, how old is he? Is he you're only one?"
Wound open, bleeding.
Me - "No we have two. Isaac is two and a half and my daughter was born in February."
Wavering smile plastered to my face. Confused smile back. As I watch her try to do the math and see the next question forming on her lips, I suddenly remember Isaac hasn't gone potty for a while or I really need to show Casey something across the shop.
Everywhere is dangerous.
I've been living in fear. A
novel could be written on what frightens me. I check on Isaac at night like I did when he was an infant,
just to make sure he is still breathing.
In the early days of grief I remember a terrible dream that will always haunt me. I was putting Isaac down for a
nap and trying to get him to stay in bed and fall asleep while I sang
him lullabies, only we were in the cemetery and his "bed" was a fresh
grave.
I see death and injury at every turn. It would be
easy to let fear take control of me, of my life and of my family, but what
is easy is rarely what is right.
I find that I have to make a choice. I can stay at home and bar the
doors and windows from the outside world and all the hurt it holds, or I
can embrace my pain, look for purpose in Lilly's little life, and use
it to become a better person.
So now, when the danger of being swallowed by fear
and anxiety is at it's highest, I must choose to let it go.
7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.8 So
do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his
prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power
of God.9 He
has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we
have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given
us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher.12 That
is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I
know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard
what I have entrusted to him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:7-12 NIV)
She has changed my world. She changed me.
I am not who I was.
Our friends comment on how strong we are
and often seem uncomfortable when we falter in spirit or faith.
Plainly speaking, we are not strong.We did not wish this. God did not use this to display our strength, He gives us strength by His grace because we are weak and we need Him! I have found God in the most unlikely places and have come to accept His goodness in spite of my despair. Only by His grace could I have found such strength.
[God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness.’ ....For when I am weak, then I am strong” (See 2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We
do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes
for us with groans that words cannot express. (Romans 8:26)
Too well do I know those groans. My heart and soul lament when I feel that empty space. At times it takes every bit of my energy just to finish the grocery shopping or make it to my car after work before the darkness overtakes me, and at others I break down in front of strangers or get sent home early because I cannot function in "normal society" any more that day.
I just, miss her. In the deepest, truest form of the words.
My love is stretched on heart strings from this world to the next and I am overwhelmed with sadness when I feel the tug that reminds me that this world is not my true home.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put
your Hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (Psalm
42:5)
Sometimes I just need to talk about Lilly because she is still my daughter, even if you cannot see her.
I'm not saying that I want to scare off every old lady who asks when we plan to have more children, but I don't want to live in a world of
little lies just to make sure everyone is comfortable. I think sometimes
we need a little discomfort. Too long have we hushed up unpleasant
news and denied our unseen children.
Lord, give me the courage to speak your truth and shine with your light, despite the darkness that surrounds me. Though at times I feel dead, help me to live on through you. Fill in the empty spaces in my life as only you can and give me the strength to endure till I can finally be with you and my beautiful baby girl again. I cannot fathom your ways Lord, but I love you for you have shown your love for me.
Have you ever really thought about what it means when we say God is in control? Anyone who really knows me will tell you that one of my biggest flaws is my inability to let things go. I have an incredible knack for picking even the most mundane things apart to find out "why" it happened that way and will argue to the death to prove my point. (Sorry Casey!) What happened with Lilly is no exception. Believe me I have spent night after sleepless night going over and over every event of her very short life. I blame myself, mostly, but I find some flaw in the midwives, nurses, doctors, ultrasound technicians, you name it. "If they had paid more attention, got me back sooner, been more concerned with some test" on and on and on. And of course "I should have gone to the hospital sooner, made them get her out sooner, prayed literally without ceasing" are there as well. Everyone tells me it is not my fault, God chose her...us for a reason we cannot understand. I'm sure I will always search for "Why" but somewhere somehow I am beginning to understand. I am a control freak about making sure my kids are loved and taken care of in the best way possible and it terrifies me to think that no matter what I do, I am not in control.
This link tells the story of Angie and Todd Smith who lost their baby girl in April of 2008. Angie carried little Audry, knowing that she would die. It is an incredible story that inspired her book I Will Carry You as well as her blog "Bring the Rain" at angiesmithonline.com. We have shared a couple of emails, and after watching this video I sent this response...
Dear Angie,
Thank you so much for the ministry you continue to do through your blog.
Tonight I stumbled upon the video "Rocked To My Core" and I am just so
moved by it! There are similarities in our stories and it blesses me to
be able to relate to another mother, when I have felt so very alone and
misunderstood. I too remember rocking my Lilly in her last moments
repeating over and over "even now Lord I know you can heal her...now is
the time to show the world who you are...." and yet moments, perhaps
seconds, before Jesus took her I told her "it's OK baby, you can go be
with Jesus now, you don't have to stay for us"...
Lilly was full term, no complications until mid-labor. I had such a
horrible hospital experience with my son I was trying to labor at home
and possibly deliver if things went well. When my water broke there was
meconium and we went straight to the hospital where I was in triage for
an hour before they rushed me back for an emergency c-section. My
husband, family, even my therapist has tried to tell me it was not my
fault, that it was a part of God's plan, nothing I did could have
changed the outcome. I want to believe it but I have struggled SO much
with the guilt... ("If only I had gone to the hospital sooner. What was I
thinking trying a home birth? Why didn't I pray harder? I must not have
been close enough to God or He would have healed her. Am I responsible
for my daughter's death?")
It is hard for me to grasp that He is in ultimate control. As it seems we
have similar personalities, for I too have a wicked Italian side ,
I think you might understand that. However, how you, without a doubt,
said
there is no plan B...it gave me the "ah-ha" moment I have been searching
for. I don't know if it's just hearing it from another lost baby's Mama
or what, but I burst into tears and knew, in that moment at least, that
it's true. This was God's plan from the start. I cannot understand it,
how this can work together for my good, but I know deep in
my heart that it's true. Not because I need it to be, not because it's
something pretty I can tell myself to make me feel better, but because
it is truth. God the Father is in control, so what have I...what have we to fear? It feels so good to say it and mean it!
Loss like ours forces you to bare your soul and come to conclusions
about questions you didn't know you had. When life is normal and running
smoothly you don't question the things you believe are constants. In my
head I'm sure it was something vague like "Of course I believe God is
in control. I believe He is real and I want His will to be done in my
life. I will always believe in Him no matter what and nothing will ever
change that." When Lilly died I began to question my own beliefs. Not so
much as to whether I believed them anymore, although that was part of
it, but why do I believe them? Because Mamma and Grandpa said so?
Because the Bible, ancient books written by men, tells me so? If God is
real and really loves me and works all things together for my good (Romans 8:28),
then where was he when we called out to Him night and day for my baby
girl?? How could He take her, knowing that it would destroy me? If He
loves me how could He be so cruel? I like how one grieving mother said
"my earthly father would never do such a thing".
I look back on the last six months and I can see how far we have come. There was a time I believed I would never smile again. I thought I would never again find pleasure in any form of life. There were times I thought I would never be able to take care of my own son without help because I couldn't function well enough to even remember if I had fed him yet that day. It is not by my strength that I have come this far. Before Lilly, I used to think I was so strong and courageous, but truly I am weak and any acclaim belongs solely to the Lord.
I believe in Him because He is real in my life. He is the voice that tells me I am good enough to love. His arms hold me together and put Hope in my heart. Not just of heaven but Hope of life, Hope of light, Hope for humanity. He "steadies my heart". He is the thing that lives in my heart and gives me the strength to endure another day. I am not this strong. Without Him I would be dead. Without Him who could endure this world and it's crushing sorrows? Without Him, no one is in control. Without Him, life really is chaos. And that would be truly terrifying.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
4 One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.
13I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Today marks six months since the day you were born into this world. I would love to be able to look on your milestones with joy in my heart, but I am full of sorrow and pain. I just cannot see how He can turn these ashes into beauty. I am blessed with an abundance of friends and family who try to lift me up and remind me that in Christ there are no goodbyes, and I believe it to be true. But the waiting...every moment of my life I play the events of the day we celebrate today over and over again. If only I could go back, change something, make a different decision somewhere that would give us a different outcome. One where you are alive and in our arms. In my arms....they are so empty without you. I do not take for granted how amazing Isaac is and how incredibly lucky I am to have him, but I cannot ignore he is growing so quickly these days and that longing for another baby is crushing because you should already be here. Oh how mommy wanted you! I prayed so much for you and I struggle to understand how my loving Father could say no when we begged for your healing. I suppose He has a purpose I cannot understand. A few months ago I would have scoffed at such a statement. Either I am growing desperate for justifications or I am coming to understand just how much He really is in control.
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
We brought you balloons today. I wanted to do something special to mark the occasion, but this seemed to be all we could handle and spent the day together at home talking about and missing you. Even Isaac gets sad sometimes and asks about you. He wanted to be your big brother so much. I know he feels your absence. I was folding laundry this week and caught myself staring at his little "undies" and thinking of what a big boy he is now. Six months is more than a quarter of his life and yet there are so many gaps, I don't know how much I have missed. Where have I been? Death has stolen one child from me and now grief and depression threaten to take the other as well. I won't let them. I made a promise that I will see you again, my Lilly, and now I must promise that I will not neglect your brother while I search for you. I love you both so much! It is difficult to be torn between two worlds. I know you are well taken care of, by our family as well as the Savior, but I can't let you go. I still carry so much guilt. I am so desperately sorry. I would give anything, do anything, anything to get you back! I miss you cannot begin to cover how I feel, but there are no words in this language to say how my heart feels.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand — when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
I pray that the Lord cover you in Love. May angels sing you lullabies and Christ Himself kiss your sweet face. (God tell her all about her Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother. Show her how much we love her and what life might have been like with us.) I pray that you are warm, happy and safe, surrounded by family and friends. I am full of pain in this world, but I am so proud to be your mommy. Every single second of every minute of every hour of every day....I miss you, think of you and Love you! I look toward the day I can hold you in my arms again! (Titus 2:13)
