An acquaintance responded with a flat "God does not put crap in your life". Initially I wanted to drag her through the bible and point out all the times God did indeed put what I have so eloquently deemed as "crap" in people's lives, but then I took a breath and thought, "I'll just blog it out."
So the question is: Does God put crap in your life?
Well...I would say watching my daughter die in my arms is a big fat load of crap.
To say that God had no hand in it, the devil did it, or bad things just happen, diminishes God to something too small to be worth calling "Almighty".
We cannot understand it all and we cannot hold all the answers or we would be nothing short of gods ourselves. Still, I struggle to accept that God could allow such pain in those He loves.
In the book of Ruth, Naomi lost her husband and both of her sons. When she returned to Bethlehem with her daughter-in-law, they called her by name and this is what she said.
“Don’t call me Naomi,[a]” she told them. “Call me Mara,[b] because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:20-21)
- Naomi means pleasant.
- Mara means bitter.
I cannot ignore that God Himself authorized Lilly's death. I cannot understand why He could not have found another way to accomplish the good that has come from it.
I did not lose a job. I don't need healing. I can't even find joy in the life of my loved one, for it was stolen from her before it began.
The answer is not on its way. I cannot wait for the Lord to turn my situation around for my good. I know He can, and has, used Lilly's story for good, but there is nothing I can say I wouldn't trade to have her back in my arms.
I have learned joy in this new life, but it will always be tainted by sorrow. My true joy waits in the unknown of eternity.
So, I push on and continue to pursue God and look for some sort of peace.
It is a struggle....no... a battle I face everyday. I am drowning in this bitterness and I must fight to keep my head above water.
There are times when I think myself justified in a grumpy attitude and quick flashes of anger. After all, how dare God allow neglectful and abusive people to keep their children and take my baby girl when I am a loving, responsible parent?
I know sometimes I sport a bad attitude. The status that started this whole thing was composed out of bitterness toward someone who has not handled our situation very well. They often dart away when they see us coming to avoid a possible awkward conversation, they seem to always be looking for a change of subject or something "happy" to talk about, and have an obvious air of "aww you poor thing...I'm so sorry this thing happened to you but I'm really kind of over it, isn't it about time you found peace and moved on?"
Don't worry, I'm not always this crude.
Praying continually, perfectly candid and honest with the Lord, I search for Him day by day. Even in the midst of my anger and frustration at Him, at the world, at death itself, He finds a way to calm me and meet me where I am.
I did not lose a job. I don't need healing. I can't even find joy in the life of my loved one, for it was stolen from her before it began.
The answer is not on its way. I cannot wait for the Lord to turn my situation around for my good. I know He can, and has, used Lilly's story for good, but there is nothing I can say I wouldn't trade to have her back in my arms.
I have learned joy in this new life, but it will always be tainted by sorrow. My true joy waits in the unknown of eternity.
So, I push on and continue to pursue God and look for some sort of peace.
It is a struggle....no... a battle I face everyday. I am drowning in this bitterness and I must fight to keep my head above water.
There are times when I think myself justified in a grumpy attitude and quick flashes of anger. After all, how dare God allow neglectful and abusive people to keep their children and take my baby girl when I am a loving, responsible parent?
I know sometimes I sport a bad attitude. The status that started this whole thing was composed out of bitterness toward someone who has not handled our situation very well. They often dart away when they see us coming to avoid a possible awkward conversation, they seem to always be looking for a change of subject or something "happy" to talk about, and have an obvious air of "aww you poor thing...I'm so sorry this thing happened to you but I'm really kind of over it, isn't it about time you found peace and moved on?"
Don't worry, I'm not always this crude.
Praying continually, perfectly candid and honest with the Lord, I search for Him day by day. Even in the midst of my anger and frustration at Him, at the world, at death itself, He finds a way to calm me and meet me where I am.
My heart is torn. I am humbled by the grace of my Loving Father.
Horatio G. Spafford wrote the words of a hymn I have sung many times. Spafford didn't lose one, but six children, all in tragic ways. Six. I marvel at his words. Only true grace and peace from the Living God could bring such faith from such a shattered heart.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,when sorrows like sea billows roll;whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,let this blest assurance control,that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!My sin, not in part but the whole,is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,even so, it is well with my soul.
I am searching for that peace and I have felt her near. Lilly, my missing piece. She is here, I can sense her. Or, perhaps, it is the Holy Spirit whispering peace to my heart. I hear them saying... Heaven is real. This was supposed to happen. It was always a part of the plan. Do not worry, time in this world fades quickly and I will be with you forever some day.
I can sometimes say it is well with my soul. Sometimes...but the pain is still there, still real, still encompassing my heart, the fabric of my being, my life...
Even so, I am beginning to understand this Hope. It is not in this world, but the one to come. The struggle is in the waiting.
At times I feel like a spiritually rebellious teenager, but He is always the constant lover of my soul.
It reminds me of a song we often sing on Sunday mornings...
Nothing can separateEven if I ran awayYour love never failsI know I still make mistakesBut You have new mercies for me everydayYour love never fails
You stay the same through the agesYour love never changesThere may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morningAnd when the oceans rageI don't have to be afraidBecause I know that You love meYour love never fails
Prayer:
Forgive my bitterness and unbelief. I know I must let go to find your peace. I know it's silly but I am afraid that in letting go of Lilly I will lose her or forfeit my role as her mother. Help me to understand that it is not Lilly I must let go of, but the bitterness in my heart, and that there is no shame in allowing myself to feel happy. I pray also for the grace and compassion required to forgive others and the wisdom to educate for those who will come after me. I love you Lord! Holy Spirit guide me...help me find His Peace.
