More Than A Song...

I have been sitting on this post for weeks now. I have added and taken away but something always seems wrong or unsaid. How do I put into words the stirring in my heart? How do I explain the profound joy I find in worshiping the Savior when at the same time I question Him for not healing my child? 

I continue to wrestle with guilt, depression and anger because she is gone. The pain does not lessen, we simply learn to make it a part of our lives. When you lose a child, sorrow and pain do not diminish, rather, our strength and endurance grow to sustain it. 

Every day of my life I have to choose to believe. I choose to call Him my Savior, to read His messages, and to allow Him to carry me through my suffering while holding on to Hope.

Since Lilly died, I see the world in a whole new way and my praise has changed.

Every time I say amen. Every time I pray for someone's healing. Every time I lift my hands to praise the One who could have healed her but chose to say "No", it is a sacrifice. It is a physical, spiritual and emotional sacrifice that I pray most of you will never understand, but I will always choose to give.

I will always choose to praise and worship HIM. 

It is the one thing that has no bounds. No matter how mad I am at God, no matter how low I am brought and no matter what injustice the world throws at me, nothing can take His praise from my heart.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

A couple weeks ago I was out jogging, feeling so good that I finally had the desire to try again, when I stopped short because I was so overcome by guilt as I realized I hadn't really cried the day before. So, of course, I immediately broke down, sobbing in the street, apologizing to Lilly because I felt like I was neglecting her. 

Crazy right?

Every day from the night Lilly was born I had cried and I still cry and mourn daily for what could have been. I deal with the whispers that it is my fault; if I were closer to God, if I had prayed harder or listened better she would be with us. Perhaps, but God controls our destiny and I will trust Him. 

Job said, "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face. Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance, for no godless person would dare come before him!" (13:15-16)

I have often wondered at how Job felt about his recompense. Yes he had many more children and ended up twice as wealthy as before, but what about the ones that died? You cannot replace a child in the heart of a parent. He still had to live his days mourning the ones he lost. God gave him new joy in life but Job knew Sorrow and he is a friend that is never forgotten.

I am not Job. I have not lived a blameless life. I still have most of my family, a home and money to live on, but I think I know a little of what it was like for him to bring his sacrifice of praise before the One who allowed Sorrow in his life in the first place.

The Lord really does give and take away.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart.The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21)

In the dance of this new life, Joy and Sorrow must not only learn to live together, but to become one in the same.

At church one Sunday, as we stood to sing to the Lord, a young mother with a beautiful little baby caught my eye. I felt a familiar ache in my chest as I watched her bounce him around, blissfully happy as only a new mother and child can be. They worshiped together in their own sacred world, perfectly content with one another.

The hot tears burned down my cheeks. It felt like the room was losing air.

That's what I wanted God! I wanted to praise you with joy in my heart and thanksgiving on my lips, not sorrow and acceptance! Halal not Towdah.

Psalm 43

² You are God my stronghold.
    Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?
³ Send me your light and your faithful care,
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God.

Believing in Christ and choosing to continue to bless His name does not mean I am over it or grieve my baby girl any less, however, there is a fire that burns in my soul and fills my heart with Hope.

Through praise I have found joy, courage and a determination that I will see her again! Some might think it strange or even sad, but I no longer fear death and even long for it. I am held here by the ones who need me in this life, but I don't know that I will be less than happy when death comes for me. 

Romans 8:1-17

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵ Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. ⁸ Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. ⁹ You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. ¹⁰ But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. ¹¹ And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. ¹² Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. ¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

I will praise Him because He is God, my Father. I am His and He is mine!

In my family no matter how much we disagree, no matter how bad the fight, at the end of the day we still love each other because we are family. There is nothing (and believe me I've seen it all) that will pull us apart because we belong to each other.

Does God see us like that? I think so. He sees me as a daughter. Never having experienced a loving relationship with my earthly father, I have had a very hard time understanding His fatherly love for me, but I feel it. He is here working through the Holy Spirit in my heart. Christ died that I might know Him! He wants to be close to me. 

Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".

I encourage anyone who is reading this. Run to Him! No matter what you have done, what you've been through, or how mad you are at God, run to Him! He will meet you where you are. He loves you.

Psalm 55: 16-17, 22 

As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress,
    and he hears my voice.  

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you

(Thank God for Kari Jobe! This song has become my anthem)