I loathe the very word.
As if you can put a tidy label on it and manage it.
What is it?
A crushing weight invisible to the eyes but worn by the heart and soul. Boiling, rumbling anger, even hatred, ready to explode at any moment unbeknownst to the carrier. Forever searching in a vast deserted wasteland.
Nothing.
Nothing to live for. Unable to feel. No Hope in sight.
Fear. Desperation. Confusion. Extreme highs and lows.
An uncaring detachment to self, others and the world. No motivation to go on, or even to move or speak.
Sometimes I wonder if it's getting better. Other times I think it would be better to just die and be done with it.
This is tough to hear, I know. It is my reality.
I have days of clarity, of almost joy and considerable strength and vision. I know God has helped me, and it might not make sense, but sometimes I still question God's existence.
Where is HE? Why would He allow life to be so hard? He said the way is easy and the burden is light. Oh really??? I beg to differ.
The pain is so deep, so crushing, so piercing....
I miss you so much! I would give anything, save your brother, to have you back again!!
I remember begging God to take me instead...as if He is a God who bargains.
My baby! How could you take my baby!? After all I have been through....after all I have prayed for!? Why do you save others and take Lilly?
Forgive me, I'm having a bad night....
So tired...So alone...God...I need you...please, forgive my unbelief....I....I just want her so badly...to feel her warm skin, tiny hands, little feet....see her sleeping sweetly on my chest and in her crib...to see her eyes....
I never got to see her eyes. I never heard her cry or saw her move.
why???????????????
A song by Mercy Me called The Hurt and the Healer came out right when Lilly died. We played it at her funeral. I stop cold every time I hear it.
One phrase always sticks out to me.
"I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died."
Exactly.
I know I will see her again. I know that God is real even if I cannot understand why He makes it so difficult to believe sometimes.
I have found Hope. I have found the strength to endure. I have learned acceptance and have a patience I never knew.
I take comfort in knowing that she is in a place where pain cannot touch her. I pray always that she is held by the Savior and kissed by angels. I like to imagine that my Uncle Mike sings her songs, my brother Lonnie and her cousins play with her and make her laugh with Grandma watching over them.
However, I cannot deny the paralyzing pain. It pulses through me with every heart beat. The most ridiculous things bring it out with full force.
Just last week I caught myself staring at a notepad I had written on the day I took maternity leave at work. I don't know how long I stayed like that. Hunched over the legal pad with the February date thinking things like; the last time I saw this you were still alive...
Casey and I often talk about how we can't remember what it was like to be happy. What it was like to look forward to the future and wonder at what it might hold, other than heaven of course.
We continue to breath. As the song says "sometimes I feel it's all that I can do". We trudge on. We continue to look to the Lord even when it hurts and do our best to trust Him.
We are Broken yet desperately and sometimes barely still holding on to HOPE!
We are not perfect. We are human and this sucks!!!
Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Help us Find your glory... even here
I lay my Hurts at your feet
Come and Heal our hearts...
