Today marks six months since the day you were born into this world. I would love to be able to look on your milestones with joy in my heart, but I am full of sorrow and pain. I just cannot see how He can turn these ashes into beauty. I am blessed with an abundance of friends and family who try to lift me up and remind me that in Christ there are no goodbyes, and I believe it to be true. But the waiting...every moment of my life I play the events of the day we celebrate today over and over again. If only I could go back, change something, make a different decision somewhere that would give us a different outcome. One where you are alive and in our arms. In my arms....they are so empty without you. I do not take for granted how amazing Isaac is and how incredibly lucky I am to have him, but I cannot ignore he is growing so quickly these days and that longing for another baby is crushing because you should already be here. Oh how mommy wanted you! I prayed so much for you and I struggle to understand how my loving Father could say no when we begged for your healing. I suppose He has a purpose I cannot understand. A few months ago I would have scoffed at such a statement. Either I am growing desperate for justifications or I am coming to understand just how much He really is in control.
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
We brought you balloons today. I wanted to do something special to mark the occasion, but this seemed to be all we could handle and spent the day together at home talking about and missing you. Even Isaac gets sad sometimes and asks about you. He wanted to be your big brother so much. I know he feels your absence. I was folding laundry this week and caught myself staring at his little "undies" and thinking of what a big boy he is now. Six months is more than a quarter of his life and yet there are so many gaps, I don't know how much I have missed. Where have I been? Death has stolen one child from me and now grief and depression threaten to take the other as well. I won't let them. I made a promise that I will see you again, my Lilly, and now I must promise that I will not neglect your brother while I search for you. I love you both so much! It is difficult to be torn between two worlds. I know you are well taken care of, by our family as well as the Savior, but I can't let you go. I still carry so much guilt. I am so desperately sorry. I would give anything, do anything, anything to get you back! I miss you cannot begin to cover how I feel, but there are no words in this language to say how my heart feels.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I pray that the Lord cover you in Love. May angels sing you lullabies and Christ Himself kiss your sweet face. (God tell her all about her Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother. Show her how much we love her and what life might have been like with us.) I pray that you are warm, happy and safe, surrounded by family and friends. I am full of pain in this world, but I am so proud to be your mommy. Every single second of every minute of every hour of every day....I miss you, think of you and Love you! I look toward the day I can hold you in my arms again! (Titus 2:13)
This is so sweet and moving. You have a good, beautiful mother's heart...all will be made right in the next life...I truly believe that. Families can be together forever! Hang in there!
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