Private Grief

It's strange how I used to feel like it was desperately important to publicly grieve Lilly. I felt it was my responsibility to help other grieving parents by sharing my own experience. Maybe because I myself latched onto every blog, book and group about child loss I could. I am a person of action and I couldn't stand to be still and feel the pain.

We are days away from Lilly's 3rd birthday and I can barely find the willpower to plan anything. I told Casey I just want to keep her to myself. Like sharing her life celebration would require losing bits of her.

Or maybe I'm scared no one will come. That it's been long enough that she's starting to be forgotten.

When Lilly's little sister, Eliana Grace, was born last April, life took on new meaning again. She has filled me with a joy I didn't know I could feel anymore. Once the paralyzing fear of losing her too was over and I had a beautiful healthy baby girl in my arms, an unearthly peace filled my soul that could only be from the Father.

In the business of caring for a new baby, I have learned to put my grief aside and allow life to move forward. But since the new year, I have slowly plummeted into a deep depression reminiscent of those early days.

My love for the child I did not get to watch grow into the beautiful girl I know she is, is equal to that of her big brother and little sister. It's just so hard to bear such joy and sorrow in one heart.

Oh God how I miss her.......

I miss the smile I never saw... the voice I never heard... the arms that never wrapped around my neck... every missed goodnight kiss....

The inability to nurture the motherly urge to hold her tight and make sure she knows she is safe and loved leaves me with the sense that I have constantly forgotten something....

10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

I don't know if it makes sense but these words have given me Hope. They used to frustrate me because I couldn't see past my feelings of betrayal. This week, however, I have come back to it with a sense of promise from God. That though I must go through this suffering, He will bring me back to a place of peace and joy....a place of innocent trust and gladness in the Lord.

Maybe then I will see His purposes more clearly...even if I have to wait for my own journey Home.