Celebration of Life and Hope

Last week we remembered what would have been Lilly's 1st birthday and then her "Heaven Day".

We went to the cemetery and covered her cold bed with rose petals. It was frigid and snowing on her birthday. I hate the thought of her in that icy ground. It's irrational, but I have often told Casey how much I regret not covering her with a blanket before they closed my daughter away from me in that tiny casket.

I was touched by those who came out in this cold to be with us and send balloons to the heavens in honor of miss Lillian Hope. We don't deserve the measure of grace and kindness others have showered on us even now, a year since she rocked our world.

After each balloon release (we did a small one on her birthday as it was freezing, and held the big event on her Heaven Day which was warm and sunny) we invited everyone to a reception. I made Lilly a cake, as I will do with all my children's birthdays, and fussed over a clean house like I haven't for months.

As I was dusting parts of the house that hadn't been touched for more than a year, I felt like it was more than just preparing for company. It felt like, emotionally we were clearing the dusty corners of our hearts, picking ourselves up, brushing ourselves off and staggering forward into our new world.

On Saturday I read from 2 Samuel 12:19-23. As I was looking up the scriptures I knew I wanted to read on the way to the cemetery, it hit me hard to realize the significance of the numerical location. Lilly lived and died 2/19-23/12...

¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

I explained that we were moving on, but that Lilly is and forever will be a part of our family. She will never be forgotten or overlooked. We move on because we have to, and by the grace of God and the love and support of others, we feel as if we can begin to stumble out of the blackness and into the shadow.

The fact that I will never see her again in this lifetime has been very difficult for me to grasp. If I could bring her back to me, I would. However, like King David, instead we must hold tight to the Hope of Heaven, everyday.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-17

¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.

Before bedtime prayers that Tuesday, Isaac asked me if I was sad. He always knows when I'm feeling particularly down, whether I express it outwardly or not. I said, "Yes I'm sad because I wish Sissy could be with us, but I am so happy to have you." This is a conversation we have fairly often and he usually gives me a hug or kiss and goes on playing. At prayer time we ask him if there is anything he wants to tell Jesus. That night he said simply, "yeah I say Jesus make Momma happy". 

My sweet, sweet boy! What would I do without Isaac? I am baffled by mothers who lose their first child and find the strength to move on. Most days, Isaac is my only true reason to go on living. He is my gift. Certainly, God has blessed his name: Isaac-Laughter or "He will laugh" and John-God is gracious.

**In honor of our precious Lilly's memory, we have launched a website - lillianhope.com. Please visit the Give Hope page and/or pass the site along to other grieving hearts that may find it useful.