Of course I knew that being pregnant after losing an infant would be beyond hard, but like most things in life, you just have to experience it to understand.
I am terrified. I am over-joyed. I am at peace. I am a mess.
It feels like I am anxiously holding my breathe. Waiting to see if I might actually get to bring her home.
When I was about 14 weeks, they had trouble finding the heart beat. I was in every way FREAKING OUT! I was instantly crying and couldn't even talk for a while. I think I scared that poor nurse. She tried for 15 minutes with no luck. The 4 hours we had to wait for the ultrasound was absolute torture.
When I was about 14 weeks, they had trouble finding the heart beat. I was in every way FREAKING OUT! I was instantly crying and couldn't even talk for a while. I think I scared that poor nurse. She tried for 15 minutes with no luck. The 4 hours we had to wait for the ultrasound was absolute torture.
The ultrasound showed a healthy baby and a steady heartbeat or this would be a very different post. I let out the breath I felt like I'd been holding for hours and thanked God for that little flutter on the screen.
But those hours of waiting were not so thankful. I felt like I went through every question of faith I have gone through with the Lord over the past 20 months. One minute I was mad and screaming (in my head anyways) asking how He could do this to me after taking Lilly and my prayers over this child, then the next I was repentant and thanking God for even blessing me with this child in the first place.
People tell me to just be prayerful.
....You mean like I was with Lilly? You mean pray everyday that God protects my baby, get prayer at church for a smooth delivery and always end by saying but above all else just let her be healthy?
Yeah I did that. She died.
But those hours of waiting were not so thankful. I felt like I went through every question of faith I have gone through with the Lord over the past 20 months. One minute I was mad and screaming (in my head anyways) asking how He could do this to me after taking Lilly and my prayers over this child, then the next I was repentant and thanking God for even blessing me with this child in the first place.
People tell me to just be prayerful.
....You mean like I was with Lilly? You mean pray everyday that God protects my baby, get prayer at church for a smooth delivery and always end by saying but above all else just let her be healthy?
Yeah I did that. She died.
....
Yes I still pray. I know if I didn't and something happened I would still blame myself as irrational as it may sound.
Yes I still pray. I know if I didn't and something happened I would still blame myself as irrational as it may sound.
And I HATE when people say "oh let's have a girl this time to go with that little boy of yours". ......
I already have a little girl. This baby IS NOT a replacement. But thanks for completely ignoring Lilly and ripping a fresh new hole in my chest.
I already have a little girl. This baby IS NOT a replacement. But thanks for completely ignoring Lilly and ripping a fresh new hole in my chest.
(Sorry. Pregnant. Emotional Irrational and just a touch of Crazy)
I'm so scared. What if I make a wrong decision? Use the wrong doctor? Go to the the wrong hospital?
What if this baby dies too?
What if this baby dies too?
Breathe in breathe out, repeat
I know... there is nothing I could do anyway. As in all things in life, God is in control. He holds tomorrow. He created this child and knows her destiny. Who am I to worry when all things are in His hands.
I know... there is nothing I could do anyway. As in all things in life, God is in control. He holds tomorrow. He created this child and knows her destiny. Who am I to worry when all things are in His hands.
But I do worry. Every breath is full of fear and doubt and.... prayer.... and prayer gives me Hope.
